Dead man running.

What I learned about how NOT to live my life, from a man whose vices took the shape of virtues.

Several weeks ago, a man I know walked into the sea and drowned.

He seems to have done this quite intentionally.

I'm going to reflect on aspects of his life. Don't mistake these reflections for the fullness of his life. I omit the most obviously identifiable details, but if you know him, his family or others directly involved -as some of my readers do - it's pretty darn obvious who I'm talking about.

Please don't share this post with anyone directly involved, even and especially if you think it might bring them comfort.

If you are directly involved in the aspects of his life that I discuss here, know that have made a profound and ongoing impact on mine. After deep reflection - and drafting this in November 2024 - I've determined that this as the best and most appropriate forum for me to reflect on them.

If anyone wants to discuss anything about this, message me directly. My phone number is better if you have it.

For more than a decade, D- has been a powerful negative role model for me.

Traditional role models inspire us to imitate their notable and praiseworthy actions, D- is the opposite. He is the first person I've ever encountered whose notable and praiseworthy actions inspire me to do the exact opposite. His example has been incredibly helpful to me. On a semi-weekly basis, I find myself in a situation where I ask 'what would D- do?’ and the answer immediately presents itself: 'Arthur, do the opposite.'

It's not like he was a drunk.

Or a lecher, or a wife-beater, or a thief, or a gambler. Not as far as I know. Everyone knows in their hearts that those things are no good. Any observer - family, friend or stranger - would feel justified in pulling that person aside for a quiet word. Or a stern one. There are entire charities and shelters built for the those who suffer the ill-effects caused by those kinds of things.

D-’s vices were infinitely more diabolical.

They manifested themselves, to D-, his family and the community at large as virtues. Some of the most treasured virtues in our modern society. His vices made him a pillar of the community.

He was a good runner.

He was record-holding, photo-in-the-paper kind of good. The kind of runner that gets invited to long-distance events in different parts of the country to set the pace. But D- couldn't stop running. He needed to run. Or so he’d say, as he stepped out of the house for 2+ hours at a time, several days a week (every day?). Then weekend competitions. Leaving his wife to cope on her own with infant children.

But exercise is good, right?

The most effective cure for depression. Can’t blame a man for taking care of himself. Heck, his talent made him something of a phenomenon. A valued member of his club. A coveted training partner.

When I drink in a bar I’m surrounded by signs reminding me not to drive, or asking me to ponder where that next drink is taking me. But what could spur a running mate to suggest that D- might be taking things a bit too far? Or a competition organiser to invite him to sit this one out for the benefit of his family? I imagine that anyone at home who might have suggested he chill out on the running for a bit might risk seeming a bit… selfish.

I knew how much strain D-’s addiction to running put on his nearest and dearest. It caused me to change my behaviour.

I exercise every day.

But thanks to D-'s example, I've learned to make the time rather than take it from my family. I've developed a bunch of 10-20 minute routines that I can do in the house, in the very early morning, while everyone else is asleep.

Thanks to D-’s example, I also paused golf since my kids were born. I come from a golfing family. We've produced amateur champions for around 100 years. My mother drained her latest hole-in-one a few days before I started writing this. She’s in her mid-seventies and has the lowest women’s handicap index at a competitive club.

Before the birth of my first child, I came second in the Mattishall Golf Club Intermediate Championship. I would have won if I'd left my driver in the bag on the 35th hole. Golf takes about 4 hours to play, plus the time to get to the course and the customary pint or two at the end. 5-6 hours, really. Thanks to D-, I know without having to be told, that this is way too much for my family. Thanks to D- it was simple for me to taper, then quit.

I’ll get back into it, when the time is right.

D- also cared a lot about the environment, and social justice

He avoided cars like the plague. A story in his obituary recounts how one of his children broke a leg. Rather than make anyone's life easier by driving h- about, he modified a wheelchair so he could drag it about. Running from place to place. Maybe it was cycling? I can’t bear to go back and read that obit again. But you get the idea.

Thanks to D-, I unapologetically own up to 3 cars at any one time.

Recently, my wife and I were talking about going down to one, and buying an electric bike. The environment was a factor. As was the benefits of additional unforced exercise. It would have meant a 45 minute ride to work for her one day a week. 2 kids in a front buggy on thin, busy roads. What was I thinking? Sorry, honey. In honour of D-, I pledge that my family will have 2+ cars until such time as it is no longer convenient for us. Like, if we move into town and have nowhere to park them all. We can have a bike too, but it’s just for fun.

D- cared a lot about social justice.

A qualified medical professional, he eschewed the obvious ways of making big money and chose to work in underprivileged communities to improve their health. As if that wasn’t enough, he'd sit on committees dedicated to the advancement of underprivileged and underrepresented persons within the system itself: I guess that means more doctors, signs in various languages, etc. I’m starting to get very cranky about this, which is why it took me six months to publish it. I guess I didn’t want to show you this aspect of me. Well, here it is.

This is the kind of stuff that makes me cranky:

The idea that an amorphous group of people - the hypothetical poor and underprivileged - should benefit from the time and attention of a husband and father more than his family… well, that fucking sucks.

None of these things are bad in and of themselves

Exercise, environmental consciousness, community service… they can all be good. Deceptively so. I feel that where they can become antagonistic to human flourishing is when they adopt an unwarranted position in the pecking order. They can be disorders.

That's the crux of human nature. Divided. Not between order and chaos, but between order and dis-order. To order oneself correctly is a lifetime's work. And a ton of grace/luck. You really need to encounter the right people in the right place at the right time.

Not all of them need to be people one wishes to emulate.

I got lucky. I encountered D-.

I’m sorry D- had to live his particular experience of life so that I might benefit so thoroughly from the antithesis of his example.

His specific actions as a person, husband and father glow like a lighthouse beam to warn me of the dangers of being dashed to pieces on rocks that I could easily drift towards.

In matters literally diabolical - treating on the demonic, obsession is the experience on step short of possession.

How often do you say ‘I’m obsessed with this’? As if it’s a good thing?

I think about D- almost every week, in decisions I make.

I wish that he did not walk into the sea.

I wish my gains were not the direct result of his pains.

And the pains of those who loved him.

Please, God, save me from these, and all disorders and obsessions.